1999 was the year that in the back of my mind I knew there was a problem, but not wanting to cause a fuss or draw attention to myself I swept my feelings under the carpet so to speak and carried on with life. I ignored the fact that I was not socialising and I wouldn’t go to mummy & toddler play sessions with my little boy or go to the local family meet up groups. Every medical person like the local health visitor or nurse’s I saw after I had my baby would give you a mood form to fill in, this was the normal procedure after having a baby….but I lied on the forms!.
Do you know how easy it is to say “I’m fine?!”
Two words that became the two words I would use for most of my life and still do.
Watching my children grow up was and still is the best thing I’ve ever experienced in my life, teaching them & showing them the world and what is so great about it, I literally ignored myself and threw myself into motherhood & cherishing everyday with them while they were still small and growing because children grow so fast, I never wanted to miss a moment.
As the years went by and the struggles grew, I had experienced so many low points in my life, but I put them to the back of my mind and carried on with daily life. For most of my life, trying to remember now it is all a blur and I can only remember little bits here and there. I remember enjoying shopping so much to the point of getting myself into debt. I would go shopping and by the time I had reached my home and began to unpack my shopping of random things that I knew I didn’t need to buy, I realised I didn’t remember buying any of it, yes..I literally had no memory of going into the shops and actually purchasing these items. Now to anyone else that would be scary but to me again I ignored it & carried on with my life.
A few times I attempted to go to family groups or playgroups with my toddler but I would either get to the door turn around and go home or I would feel so terrified like a wave of what I can only describe as the walls closing in on me and felt like people were staring at me. I just felt trapped, I began to shake and all I wanted to do was scream and run away. I walked out within about 3 minutes of walking through the door and I never went back.
After a few years around 2005 I tried again but again the same things happened so instead I just went to the park. I knew that something was wrong, that this wasn’t normal but I still just ignored it & carried on.
My life became much worse because I had gone through my whole life pretty much ignoring the signs, ignoring the fact that I wasn’t fine and this was a problem. That not going out and socialising like other parents isn’t normal, it’s not fine!. I have since tried to get help after realising that this is a problem and I’ve had to explain my whole life to doctoprs and social workers and even a psychiatrist over and over!. I have been given medication of all types, basically feeling like a guinea pig and getting nowhere. I didn’t want to take medication, I won’t even take a paracetamol unless I’m in agony. I prefer holistic medicine like meditation, relaxation therapy and just anything that doesn’t require putting goodness knows what into your body. Apparently there doesn’t seem to be any funding for this, “surprise surprise” but doctors are very quick to throw medication at you?. Anyway I gave up on getting help and told them where to go because I refuse to be a guinea pig and pop pills for the rest of my life, that’s not me!. I am now very glad I did because since then I threw myself into learning about my problems and how to deal with it. I have learnt much more about Bipolar and Social Anxiety than any information I recieved from any health care professional.
I have tried many different hobbies that may help me like Aromatherapy, Yoga and then recently Photography. All of which have helped me get by on a daily basis and made me focus on life, Photography is the only one I have stuck to but I’ve always loved Photography pretty much all of my life…as much as I’ve loved hiking outdoors too. Many times we have hiked out as a family and walking long distances with my camera which at first was just my phone and then my husband bought me a beautiful Canon DSLR 1100D a few years ago which I loved and I currently have a hard drive full of my Photography I’ve taken over the past 10 years. The past couple of years it didn’t feel enough, I wanted to become a photographer but without experience it got me nowhere and going to college would cost money, money that unfortunately I didn’t have.
Towards the end of June, beginning of May i came across some information about WordPress and how i could create a website for free, so I decided to create my own website to display my Photography and write a little about it, not actually realising this was known as a blog. I decided to research blogging and what it was about and instantly I loved it, I’ve always being a very gothic style person, but always needed a change for myself and this was the change in needed. I needed to find my girly self again and I did love Beauty and Fashion but because I have never really put myself first with anything all of my life, I just didn’t go in that direction. Because my Photography wasn’t really getting anywhere, I decided to put it to a much better use….Blogging!.
Since May I’ve had WordPress and it’s the first and best thing I’ve started in my life that I have actually stuck to because I’m enjoying it so much, I love giving my opinion on what I love and what is great to use in beauty or fashion items, I’m loving it. Since blogging my confidence has gone from zero to having that little bit of confidence back, not much but it is a start. My daily life still isn’t quite great and I still have many bad days but I now know how to handle them better than I ever have.
My social Anxiety isn’t better at all and I still fear going out on my own and i never go far on my own, taking my child to school which is 5 minutes away is about as much as i can mange and even that I struggle with. I dont talk to anyone and I have literally no friends left. I don’t know if this will ever change because I have been this way for so long, but I do live in hope, because hope is all I have to think maybe I won’t be this way forever. Daily life isn’t easy and not knowing what mood you are going to be in when you wake up on a morning is a scary prospect but I live each day as it comes and try to be strong everyday, not for myself but for my family because they are my world.
One thing I have learnt now is that all those years ago from 1999 I wasn’t fine and I should not have ignored myself and my feelings. I keep thinking maybe if I hadn’t ignored myself then maybe I wouldn’t be this bad today, maybe I could live a normal life without Fear, Paranoia, be able to Socialise with others and all the other daily struggles I face.
Depression and Anxiety is serious and it does get worse if you ignore it!. Don’t ignore it, you are not fine!. Seek help and don’t ever feel you are alone!. Maybe these words I should have been telling myself all those years ago, I will never know!.
I am now enjoying my life as a blogger and have come across so many beautiful and inspirational people every single day and I now know I am not alone and maybe 1 day I will be able to socialise again to be able to meet people and finally feel like me again, here’s hoping!.
Thankyou for reading my blog.