I am Lisa, I am 35 years old, I am a wife & I am a mum to 5 beautiful & amazing children. I suffer and face frequent daily battles with Bipolar Depression.
My Family & my children get me through my everyday battles & give me my strength.
I have suffered with Bipolar for as long as I can remember or originally thought because even before I knew I had it, I suffered yet I didn’t know & nor did I realise what was wrong with me.
I decided to create this blog in hope it will help others like myself, to let people know that IT IS ok to talk about it!
Which is something I have really struggled with and still do now. I never talk about it to anyone, I keep everything to myself, mainly because I never want to burden others with my problems so just prefer to deal with it myself, but that’s just me and how I am as a person.
This is “My Bipolar, My Story”
This is my story, my feelings & my own opinions. A look into my battles I fight everyday.
Because I have never opened up about my personal battle or spoke about it to anyone but now I’m blogging I thought it would be good to do this now. I would love to be able to help others in some way. And if sharing this does that, then I will be happy.
This is why I have decided to now finally speak up and put into words which for me is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life.
This is “My Bipolar, My Story”
Before I met my husband I was in a massive amount of debt and didn’t own hardly any furniture in my home because I would just spend it on random things that I didn’t need and just did not pay my bills, but then whatever I had purchased, within days I would just get rid of it because I didn’t want it or I knew I didn’t need it.
Soon after I had my 2nd child I knew something wasn’t right because of my daily moods being up and down. 1 minute I would be so depressed I would want to die, the next I would be cleaning every bit of my house and my life was perfect. I was more than happy. I wanted to go shopping and buy something random that i didnt need. Just total impulsive spending. Most of the time when I got home, I wouldn’t even remember actually buying the things I did, no recollection of it at all, like it was all a blur.
Also in a happy/manic episode I would have lots of plans & I would always have something to talk about. I would want to learn more, things that gave me no interest before all of a sudden I wanted to learn it all and now.
but being this way it’s out of your control, you don’t realise that you are acting this way while you are in this episode of mania.
In the back of my mind for a longtime I knew something wasn’t right but I never did anything about it because I’ve always preferred to deal with things and cope with things myself so I avoided questions, I lied on the postnatal forms they give me when I had a child and always said I’m fine!
But I wasn’t fine.
I have never gone to mum & toddler groups or have many friends. Friends I did have I didn’t socialise with much. I just wouldn’t go out which to be honest has not changed at all, I’m still that way now.
As the years went by & I had my 3rd & 4th child. Did the same forms, same questions & the answers were always the same
It was easier to say that & fake a smile!
But I wasn’t fine!
Things just became worse and it affected my daily life.
I cannot write down any major details because i do suffer with a very bad memory & like I said most of my really bad episodes, the things I did we’re all a bit of a blur.
I have tried many times to get help & have always failed to get the help I needed.
All doctors have ever done is send me to a psychiatrist, that psychiatrist would then offer me medication. At first I took his advice and took the medication but after a few months nothing was helping or working, it was like eating sweets pretty much.
When I tried to explain to him, he just offered me different medication to try.
My initial reaction was “NO!” Because I knew that through out the rest of my life I was going to be backwards, forwards to the doctors or psychiatrists, being put on all these different medications, not knowing what they would do to my kidneys, liver or any other of my bodily organs.
I refused to be his subject to test medication out on, to see what worked and what didn’t.
All I have ever wanted was a proper diagnosis, yes even after all these years, I still haven’t had one psychiatrist or doctor diagnose me as being Bipolar. Yet I have managed to look into everything on Bipolar & all the symptoms, which are the exact symptoms I have had to deal with and my husband has had to deal with all these years!
And to then realise this is what I had been battling with all these years!
Never knew what was wrong with me because all the help I got was medication thrown in my face!
Can you imagine waking up every morning not knowing how your mood is going to be?
Or if you’re going to be ok?
Knowing everyday that something is wrong but you do not have a clue what it is or why you are behaving or acting the way you are?
Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed or get dressed because I was that depressed.
It is damn scary as hell!
All I have ever wanted was to find a way to help myself without the use of any medication.
I’m not the sort of person that will take medication for anything at all, I will not even take a paracetamol for pain anymore. I just do not trust what it could do to your body, your insides with all these side effects etc. (Only way I can explain that really). I just do not trust medication at all.
So after that day that I left the Psychiatrists, told him no and walked out & I never went back, never went back to the doctors either.
I’m a firm believer that just having good support from family, friends or a good Psychiatrist to talk to, a Psychiatrist or even a therapist that will actually talk to you & not want to throw medication at you. Just being able to talk to someone & also doing something you are passionate about like a hobby or a job, even self help therapy like treating yourself now & again, can all be the biggest healer or help better than any medication…but saying this everyone is different! So different things work for different people.
This is just my opinion & what I have learnt that has worked for me!
Bipolar comes with many symptoms and each symptom is another battle to fight sometimes on a daily basis, sometimes less.
Through my own research and having to live with these symptoms for over 15 years now. This is the type of bipolar I have had to deal with all these years with no help from nobody but helping myself!
Rapid Cycling Bipolar.
Rapid cycling is a pattern of frequent episodes in bipolar disorder. In rapid cycling, a person with the disorder experiences four or more episodes of mania & Depression in one year.
In mania, their is feelings of heightened energy, creativity, and euphoria are common. People experiencing a manic episode often talk a mile a minute, sleep very little, and are hyperactive. They may also feel like they’re all-powerful, invincible, or destined for greatness.
But while mania feels good at first, it has a tendency to spiral out of control.
People often behave recklessly during a manic episode: gambling away savings, engaging in inappropriate sexual activity, or making foolish business investments.
They may also become angry, irritable, and aggressive, picking fights, lashing out when others don’t go along with their plans & blaming anyone who criticizes their behavior.
Some people even become delusional or start hearing voices (Although this is the only symptom I have never experienced).
After a manic period is over all I want to do is sleep because my body just crashes, leaving me with literally no energy at all. And when I do sleep after mania it is literally a full day that I am asleep. When I’m not like this I only get around 3 hours sleep at the very most.
•Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty
•Fatigue or loss of energy
•Physical and mental sluggishness
•Appetite or weight changes
•Concentration and memory problems
•Feelings of Paranoia
•Thoughts of death or suicide
Episodes can happen at any point in the course of bipolar disorder, and can come and go over many years depending on how well the illness is treated.
I have gone through so many ups & downs throughout these past 15 years of battles and it’s only been this past 3 years that I have finally managed to deal with my Bipolar better & gained the strength to live better than before.
They say that when you get to the very lowest point in your life, it gives you a wake up call and this is certainly true. I was at that point, I was at that lowest point and it almost cost me my life & it literally scared the life out of me. Now I am determined I never want to return to that place again. I’m not saying my life is now perfect because it is far from it. I have just learned to deal with Bipolar much better.
So recent updates of me now:
I have now found the self help I needed to live my life, to carry on enjoying my life & to not let everyday be a battle anymore.
I enjoy blogging on a daily basis because it has given me focus and I’m socialising online when I’m blogging, which I never thought I would do. I have only ever used to really talk to people I know or family. It has given me confidence and I’m also learning new things everyday through Blogging.
I’ve always had a passion for photography all my life. I love everything about photography, editing photography & even creating collages. I wanted to become a photographer but again my problems with confidence have got in the way of this happening.
Socialising is still a major flaw for me and I think it always will be. Talking to people online or on the phone I am totally fine with but because I suffer with Social Anxiety, Anxiety & Panic attacks etc, actually meeting people is the scariest thing to me ever & It’s something I have & still really struggle with.
I have never been able to face going to mums meetings or mums groups or even meet people & that still affects a massive part of my social life.
Even just a simple chore like going to a supermarket is tough, especially if that supermarket is very busy and crowded, I will not go in their at all, If I did I would have a panic attack.
Simple daily life tasks for me can be a struggle and it has and still is affecting so much of my life.
My confidence is a little better now and is continuing to grow slowly each day but my confidence was non existant.
Today I am still facing these same battles everyday, only now I have the strength and knowledge to deal with it better and with this and doing what I love with is blogging and socialising online, it has and still is everyday making me happier and into a stronger better person, which makes me feel better about myself.
The daily battle will always be there but at least now I manage it better myself & no longer does it manage me.
This is “My Bipolar My Story”
Thankyou for taking the time to read My Story.